My Supplications

Thankful

2012-01-14T19:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks for letting me be random and follow rabbit trails and meander in my thoughts. I appreciate those of you who are still reading my blog, even if you don't leave a comment for me. I feel like this is my own little corner of the world and I'm glad you all are sticking with me and getting to know me.

I do really wish I could post pictures again. The kids are growing up so fast and are changing so much. I feel like pictures make a blog so much more enjoyable and so much easier to read....I'm not sure if we'll have that ability again soon. We do have plans to get a new computer system next month, so we'll see. Anyway, we don't even have a camera or video cam either!

On to the real reason for this post.....

Pennie is in her high chair right now, eating frozen peas. I looked at her as I stood at the stove, and a wash of emotions came flowing through my heart. I can hear her sweet voice raised in the dining room and I listen to her talking and making her fun noises, and I am so thankful. I do believe, for the first time in my life, that I really KNOW what thankfulness and gratefulness really mean.

I'm thinking back tonight to the day of her birth. The Babies' births were not at all traumatic or hard or long physically, by any means. My first thought upon seeing Pennie for the very first time was that I couldn't believe she was so small. The first thing I said was "I'll be surprised if she tips the scale at even 7 lbs!" She weighed in at 5 lbs 13 oz. She was the tiniest baby I'd ever held, and I wasn' letting her go for anything, not even a bath!! So, she and I stayed glued together, skin-to-skin,for over two weeks. Those precious weeks spent holding her on my chest, smelling her sweet and unique smell and lavishing kisses on her downy soft head will live forever in my memory.

During my pregnacy with The Babies, and after Olivia died, my perinatologist told me that there was around a 25% chance that Pennie could suddenly die too, so they watched me, and her, like a hawk. I was in for a 2nd level ultrasound every two weeks. I loved seeing her! It was amazing! And, they were very gracious to let me see Olivia whenever I wanted to also, which was very, very bittersweet. We feel deeply that Pennie is a real miracle. And I am deeply appreciative of the doctor that ensured that nothing happened to her!

Tonight my heart squeezes with gratitude, for the great and merciful gift that God allowed us to have in Pennie. I am so overwhelmingly thankful that Pennie was allowed to be born alive to us. She fills her spot in our family to overflowing and her tiny feet and her beautiful smile fill our hearts with great joy. She really blesses us with a true glimpse of her sister, who awaits us in Heaven!

I'm amazed that next month, Pennie will be 1!! The year since her birth has flown by. We'll have a special celebration for our very, very special Girl!

Thinking

2012-01-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

Bear with me here friends, because this may be a rather rambling post.

I'm still here. And I'm thinking a lot lately.

I haven't done an update on Pennie recently.

She is, well, she is just the most delicious baby. She is gorgeous and vibrant and inquisitive. She is almost 11 months old, can you believe that? I wish I had a good computer, so that I can post pictures of her. I just can scarcely believe that next month she will be one year old!

Pennie is pretty small, to me. I guess what I mean is that she's small at this age, compared to our other kids at this age. She wears 12 month clothes, just because I love swing tops with leggings, and I like the tops to be more like dresses.....But she swims in that size! We moved her up to size 4 diapers because I bought Kirkland brand this time, and they're pretty big on her. I have to overlap the tabs all the way. Lots of grow room!

She sleeps in our room in her crib. She goes to bed around 10 PM and sleeps about 5 hours, on a good night! She takes two or three naps a day, but she's getting better at trying to stay awake more.

She can pull herself up now. She started doing that about three weeks ago. She is still learning to use her legs and doesn't really cruise or scoot along at all. If she wants to get somewhere she typically crawls. She can really move when she crawls.

I so wish I could post pictures of her! That's the reason I haven't done any kind of updates on her, because we aren't able to post pictures anymore. It's a real bummer.

She makes me so happy. I deeply, intrinsically recognize how abundantly blessed I am to have her. Still....

Still.....

I look at her and I find myself wondering what it would be like if there were two of her. Sometimes I can almost feel Olivia's presence as I look at Pennie. And this makes me feel guilty because my mind tells me that I ought to be more thankful for Pennie and be glad that Olivia is in Heaven.

Most of the time, these thoughts come to me out of the blue. Mostly the memories come to me against my will. I have tried so hard to stuff that grief and that disappointment and that sense of deep sadness. I try to not go there, to that deep place, because I ought to be over that grief now. At least that's what I tell myself....

The truth is, I had twins in my tummy. I wanted those twins more than life itself. And then, one day, Jesus came to get one of my twins, and there was just one left in my tummy. And that is the nitty gritty of it.

I was thinking today that I wish dearly that I had enjoyed that time more. That I should have taken it easier on my bed rest. That I had stroked my tummy more and talked to them more and been more grateful and shouldhavecouldhavewouldhave......

Tonight I'm just so sad. I miss Olivia terribly. I love Pennie so deeply. I remember every single moment of those days, with both of them in my tummy. My tummy hurts and my throat is tight and this is how it is when I am stuffing the things that I just can't deal with. But I fear that letting the tears flow and the memories come will devastate me and break me and scar me forever.

I went online tonight and just googled a question. I wanted to know if there was a higher chance for me to have twins again if I've had them once. I almost felt guilty for surfing around to the different sites out there, to the different blogs of women with multiples, because it only reminded me of what I don't have....and it made me desperately want to have twins again.

It has been over a year since Olivia Caroline died. October 19, 2010. It doesn't seem like a year to me. I see her every time I look at Pennie. I wonder, would she still be as spunky and peppy as she was in my womb? Would they fall asleep entangled around each other? Would they share toys and talk to each other and would one walk sooner than the other? Would Olivia have a heart-shaped birth mark on her other foot?? Pennie has a tiny red heart-shaped birth mark on the inside of her left ankle, and I like to think that that was Olivia's last gift to her before she went to Heaven....

The truth is, it's just torture. That's why I haven't dealt with any of my grief or fear or disappointment or feelings of failure there. It's just torture and it's no good to bring it all up again, to whom?? With who am I safe to show that side of me? So then, when those feelings do come up, and the tears and sadness come, they threaten to overwhelm me and not stop and I almost can't control them anymore, and my chest feels like it's going to cave in and I've never sobbed that hard and all the feelings just come rushing in.....

I am so blessed. I have such a fantastic life. My family amazes me. I am secure and loved and sheltered. Jesus Christ died for my sins, and I acknowledge that fact. He lives in my heart and I have a vital relationship with Him, and I know I am going to live eternally with Him. I have so, so much to be grateful for. I have no right to spiral into grief and sadness and I don't want to live there anymore......

But I want it back. I want to have Olivia AND Pennie. I know it isn't possible this side of Heaven. But I can't help carrying around that thought and wish, deep, deep down in the depths of the place that my breath comes from, the place that my very life comes from.

And then, I listen and I can hear Pennie, in the living room, talking to her sisters, being the blessing that God called her to be.....I crave her like air, water, and more than food. I pick her up and I rub my cheek against the top of her soft, warm head, and I know that two halves of a whole cannot be separated forever.

2011 Thoughts

2012-01-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

I saw this on my friend's blog, and I wanted to take a stab at putting some of my jumbled thoughts about 2011 in a post. So, here goes!

What is one truth you learned? The most important and heart-rending truth I learned last year is that all of God's judgements are right, pure, holy, true and just (Psalm 19:7-10, John 5:30) ....and in the midst of His judgements, He's infinitely compassionate.

What is something that you are proud of? Something I'm proud of is taking tiny, small baby steps to use my voice, my singing voice that God gave me, more and not being so self conscious about it. I'm learning to be proud of the voice that God gave me and learning to like singing in front of people.

What was the hardest thing of the year? Probably the hardest thing of the year was seeing my children try to live and thrive in a horrible, unhealthy, abusive situation and thinking we were going to have to live that way forever.

What is something you changed to improve the way you live? This one was easy! The single most important change that happened last year was getting out and away from the horrible, terrible, unhealthy, abusive living situation we were in!!! And being brave enough to cut off family relationships that were sucking the life out of us and breaking our spirits.

What was your favorite art or culture discovery? Well, just for fun, one of my favorite and frivolous discoveries was Agatha Christie, who my dear mother-in-law introduced me to! As far as culture, I guess I'm not very cultured at all! Ha.

What was something new that you discovered? This one is easy! Something new I discovered this year was Red Leaf Coffeehouse!!! Everyone knows how much I adore blended coffee drinks, and the drinks and staff at Red Leaf make stars come out of my eyes!!!!

What was the one experience you appreciated the most? I don't know if it qualifies as an "experience", but I most appreciate the Lord working through my husband to get us out of the dark and deathly living situation in which we were living for so long.

What was the biggest surprise from God? Can I have two answers on this one? Hey, it's my blog and I can do that if I want!! Ha. Really, one of the things that surprised me the most was that everything that God has asked me to go through the past two years is working for my glory in Eternity....and also, rediscovering that people like to hear me sing, and it's okay to accept their compliments and really knowing that if people gush over my voice it doesn't mean I'm conceited or proud or wanting others to look at me.

What is something that inspired you? Something that inspired me last year would probably be watching other Christian women singing on stage and sharing their amazing voices and their warm anointing with others with God-given confidence, and discovering, as I watched them, that that is my passion and that I could do that too, as I let God work through me and speak through me. I have wanted to sing to others in a concert setting for a couple of years now and just getting more and more restless to do that! I became aware a couple of years ago that as I watched singers on stage, that a passion and a drive rose up within me, more than ever before, to do the same thing, and just knowing in my heart that I could do that too....

We will see what 2012 holds!!

Pray

2011-12-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

Please pray for my dear friend Laura.

Please scroll down my sidebar and click on her name.

Her 3 year old son died suddenly two days ago.

I don't understand. I question how God could take our babies before we've had enough time to love them well. I struggle with wanting to ask so many questions, at the same time, I do not want to minimize God's sovereignty. My Bible tells me that every judgement of His is right and true and pure and just. My spirit tells me I believe it.....but still. Why, God? Why now, why at Christmas? Why ever??

My soul aches deeply for my friend and the new world she will have to navigate in the coming days and weeks and months. I wish with all that is in me that she wasn't asked to be the new mom in the Grief Club.

Please, you mamas out there, please know that there is another mama in another state who is broken tonight. Please, ask God to help you shoulder some of her burden, even though you don't know her. Please get on your knees, go into your prayer closets for her. Let's be the Body of Christ in action tonight, and in the coming days and weeks. It will not be an easy road for her to navigate.....but I believe that God may make us cry and hurt and scream, but He also wipes tears and salves hurts and He hears and responds to every scream.

I love my friend Laura. She is one of the sunniest people I know, despite the hand that she has been dealt in life.

Oh, and another thing: She's 9 months pregnant. She needs the Lord to hide her under His wings.

Please pray with me.

About Me

2011-12-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be full of things you just always wanted to know about me.

Or maybe things you didn't want to know!

Whatever. If you read my blog, I have to believe that you want to know more about me and what makes me tick. So here we go!

I despise divinity. You know, that white candy that makes its appearance every Christmas season. I loathe it. Hate it. I think it tastes like sweet play dough! Funny thing, it's my husband's favorite.

I think I'm going to buy a new perfume!! Now, if you know me, you know I'm a big Liz Claiborne girl. I've been wearing Liz for like at least 15 years now...or more! I used to love Embrace Today by Mary Kay, but sadly I cannot find this perfume anymore except on eBay! So, I have two friends who smell absolutely scrumpalicious, and yes, I did ask what they were wearing and they both have the same perfume! It's called Coco Chanel Mademoiselle...and it's SPENDY! But I found a bottle in my price range online. It's a warm, spicy, deep and rich scent reminiscent of Fall. First, I have to make sure it smells good on me. Believe me, it's fabulous!

I love Greek food. Period. I wish we had a good Greek restaurant around here. My husband hates Greek food.

Wait, I think I'm just a food junkie! I love good, good food, and I'm not picky at all.

I have never done any kind of Christmas goodie baking. I just can't stand the frantic, rushed we-have-to-make-14-dozen-of-these that comes with tons of goodie baking. My family hates this.

I'm not a good dessert or goodie cook.

Sweets are not my thing. I'm a savory, real food girl. My husband has a sweet tooth that won't quit. Boo.

I do not like to be talked to while I'm in labor. Especially in the last stages of labor. And no music for me either. I just want to be left all by myself during labor, thankyouverymuch! And I cannot abide the sight of all the stuff that comes out during labor and after. I have never watched myself give birth. Eww.

I'm a Goodwill junkie. And I simply adore a good, high quality children's resale shop. Dressing myself and my children, head-to-toe, in all Goodwill or resale items is my modus oporandi.

I simply adore coffee. I love the smell of it. I love the taste of it. But I hardly ever drink it straight up. I'm a decaf girl. And I'm also a coffee snob.

My family thinks I'm snooty. That's okay, someone in this family has to be!! Ha. I do have very, very good taste in things and I am very picky about what goes on me and my family and what goes into my house! That isn't to say that I only buy expensive things......

I have never really had the chance to make a nice, beautiful home for us. I have never shopped for home decor or furnishings. Our homes that we have lived in have been peaceful and relaxed but never beautiful. I do hope that changes soon because I feel that a beautiful home makes everyone happy and serene and relaxed and contributes to wanting to STAY there during the day.

I can't take a simple picture with any kind of camera to save my life!!! If you ask me to take a picture of you or anything around you, be forewarned, and if you still want me to, then it's your fault if and when I ruin your picture!

I have really nice handwriting. I always have. Not trying to be conceited, it's just a fact. And I adore writing letters.

I'm a gravy addict! I love gravy on lots of things.

I wear skirts all of the time except to bed. I love skirts. Long ones are my favorite. I am in the preliminary stages of searching for a long brown corduroy skirt.

I once looked in the windows of a Pottery Barn store. Love at first sight! Instant bliss. A catalog can cause me to spend half the day in a stupor of ecstasy! I think that kind of stuff, that style, is my thing. Texture and clean, straight lines and lots and lots of candles is just my style.

I am the first and last girl my husband has ever kissed. And he is the most marvelous, most awesome kisser in the entire Universe!!! His kisses still make my knees turn to water and my tummy go topsy-turvy, even after 23 years of being in love and 18 years of being married!!! I think he's the sexiest man alive and I love to see him across a crowded room and know that he's alllll MINE!!!

My favorite candle scent is Clean Cotton by Yankee. And I am a Yankee candle girl.

I haven't dyed my hair for 7 years. This dark, dark brown is my natural color. I don't think I'm going to start coloring my hair anytime soon.

I had heart surgery when I was 20 months old for PDA, otherwise known as Patent Ductus Arteriosis, which is a heart valve that is permanently open, causing too much blood to flow through your heart. I still bear the foot long scar under my left shoulder blade. That's the only time I've ever had surgery.

I didn't walk until I was almost 2 and a half. My feet turned in so far that my big toes touched each other and so I had to wear what was called, back in the 70's, a Charlie Brown brace on my legs each night.

I moved to Washington State from Southern California when I was 13.

I deeply love the ocean. The ocean is intertwined into what makes me happy.

I have been singing since I was about 6 years old, in one form or another.

Someday I would love to tour Europe, especially France.

I would love and almost crave to have twins again. Or triplets.

I have a secret, deep desire to be fluent in French. It was my favorite class in high school. I took it until my school district cut French 3 in order to ensure the survival of the high school football team. Bah!

I cook with wine almost every day.

I'm going to write my own cookbook. I love to create my own recipes and take recipes and fool around with them to make it my own. I have a weird ability to know what tastes good together and I often almost.....well.....for lack of a better description......I almost hear voices telling me what to do in the kitchen. Hey, I never said I was normal!!

I'm fiercely loyal and faithful. But I'm not very trusting.

I suffer from clinical depression and have since I was 12 years old. Yes, it stinks.

I often feel overwhelmed and like I am way too small for the big job I have been given.

I hate the Wii. I have never played it.

I love Balderdash.

I wish I had a home library, complete with leather furniture and a big ol' desk.

Okay, I'm getting carried away! That's enough.

Long Thoughts

2011-12-03T13:40:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I'm Leanne.

I'm Leanne and I have 8 children.

Yes, 8.

What?

Did you say I must be crazy??

Did you say I must be SuperMom?

You ask me if I'm filled with patience?

Wait, you said I must be perfect!

And I haven't answered your questions or addressed your comments, but I want to now.

Let me tell you that I've heard alllllll of the comments on our Big Family. And my sanity. And my marriage. And my sex life. And craziness and patience and perfection and wait, HOW do I do it all??

So, here's my commentary on all of that.

The answer is, I don't do it all! And no, the last time I checked, I wasn't perfect and still am not. I don't take meds for anxiety. I feel totally, reasonably sane. I'm not crazy.....

I'm just Called.

I'm doing what I personally, before the first star was breathed into the sky, was called to do.

I do not do everyone's laundry. I don't wash everyone's dishes, 24 hours a day/7 days a week! I don't.

Gals, I've heard it all. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty blatant, pretty rude, pretty prying comments. Like:

"Are these alllllll YOURS!!! Shoot, I can't even handle the one (or two) I've got!"

"Did you birth ALLLL of these YOURSELF???"

"Wow, you must be perfect/crazy/SuperMom....(fill in the blank)"

"Haven't you ever heard of Birth Control?"

"Do you know what causes that?"

"Are these all yours AND your husband's?"

And on and on and on it goes......the truth is, and the answer I have learned to give, is that yes, I do know how this (as though having children, and lots of them, is some sort of horrible disease) happens, and I rather like the process!!! (wink wink)

The thing is, I'm not filled with patience. I'm not a saint. I'm not gracious or perfect or a shining example of Christianity! But listen, Christ in me IS!

I said, CHRIST IN ME IS!

The reason I do what I do is because He has called me to this time and this place, to be the Mama of these kids. ALLLL of these kids.

And I don't do it by myself! He walks with me, every step of my day. HE'S the one who enables me to get up in the morning and put my Game Face on and raise this Family He has so graciously provided me with! HE'S THE REASON!

I'm not crazy, I'm perfectly in His Will. He's my sanity. He's holding me! He gives me grace for every single moment of my days. It's all Him.

Yes, I lose it! Sometimes, I have days where I lose it quite often! I yell. I threaten. I get mad. I even thrown Fits! (GASP!) But.....I'm forgiven. I ask forgiveness from my kids, sometimes several times a day! They forgive me and He forgives me, and His grace fills in the rest.

He has such overflowing, abundant grace for me. It's the ONLY way I can do this, because I'm nothing on my own. HE makes me the mama I am!! I don't magically step out of my bedroom in the morning, make up on and Chanel wafting about with each move of my jewel-laden arm, to float through our days with perfect poise and control.

Yikes.

The thing is, we moms like to kill one another! With our expectations of each other. With our sly, sideways glances when Play Group comes over and there's dust on the mantel. With our clicking, sharp tongues. With our rude, thoughtless comments. We tear and thrash and bruise.

You do it. I do it.

Probably the most common comment I get, when I'm out-and-about, is the you-must-be-Supermom flotsam. And I used to get so upset, privately, when I was back home, because oh boy, they just didn't understand! But now, I just laugh and say.......

It's Christ in me Who enables me to do what He has divinely called me to do!

Our God is not a God who holds us by one of our squirming, sweaty arms over the rising waters of our destiny and drops us. Oh no. Haven't you heard that He has us, you and me, right in the palm of His hand, and that nobody, no enemy or peril, can ever pluck us out??

He didn't call me to be the mom of a large family and then just check out of my life.

He's alllll over me! He's behind me and before me and under me and above me and beside me and around me!

I suffer from severe depression and doubt and panic and blah blah blah, and I've even wanted, so badly and so deeply, to quit. I've wanted to walk out on my precious Husband and my fabulous kids because I've frequently felt so inadequate to do this thing He wants me to do.....when I'm trying to do it without Him! It's not something I'm proud of! But I am proud of the fact that I didn't walk out. I didn't walk out on my kids or my husband or my God.

So, if you ever wanted to ask me, face to face or in an email, why or how I do what I do, the answer is, I don't! He does it through me. As I set about to do what He wants me to do, He provides it all.

HE provides it all.

I'm not crazy because He keeps me sane. I'm not full of patience because I don't have to be. I just ask for Him to fill me with His grace.

On a practical note, my kids are well behaved because we've taught them to be. They aren't the bosses of the home and never have been. They obey. We don't let them push the envelope very far! We discipline them.

Telling moms that they must be SuperMom is unfair. The bottom line is this:

If you are doing what God has called you to do then He offers every kind of gift and resource for you to do just that, with victory! And in my opinion, the role of a woman is to be the keeper of her home. I'm just trying to do that, and He's being allowed to do it through me.

And that, my friends, is what I say now when I am bombarded with rude, ignorant, inappropriate comments about my family.

The End.

Mary's Baby

2011-11-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

The Christmas season is upon us.

After a whole year, which seemingly sped by, Christmas is upon us again.

I'm thinking of Christmas in a different way this year, and it is partially due to the words that the pastor at our new church said this morning.

In essence, he invited us to forgo the hustle-and-bustle of the holiday season, to lay aside the commercialized busyness of Christmas and to enter into the season carefully.

Carefully.

He admonished us to actually be still and careful about this Christmas season in order to gain a new revelation of Him. I'd never thought of that before, but now, now that his words have really sunk into my heart, I'm thinking of Mary. Jesus' mother. The girl who gave birth to this Saviour.

I'm thinking that Mary was, first and foremost, as a soon-to-be Mama, just ecstatic to be with child. I mean, of course she was scared and anxious and confused, after all, she was already promised to Joseph, and now she was pregnant out of wedlock by the Holy Spirit! Who was going to believe that?? But she was going to be a Mama. And after she got used to that fact, after she had wrapped her mind around the amazing and astounding details, I think she gave herself permission to love the growing baby in her womb.

Does this post seem disrespectful? I'm sorry, but I've just been thinking a lot about Mary.

Look, she was going to be a Mama! And mamas the world over, no matter what century or time period or income class they happen to be in, mamas love their babies. Mamas are consumed with thoughts of their babies, with the anticipation and the excitement of preparing to welcome a new life!

Was Mary any different??

I believe that Mary felt about Jesus in her womb just like you and I do when we're with child! I believe she caressed her growing belly and talked to her baby and sang to Him. I can see her feeling and watching His every movement with wonder and awe, not because He was going to be the Saviour of the World, but first and foremost, because He was.....her baby.

Her Baby. Her sweet, tiny, much loved and highly anticipated Baby.

I believe that after the angel appeared to her with the most stunning proclamation she'd ever heard, I believe that she tucked the news away in her deepest heart and went about the business of just loving Jesus.

Just loving Him.

Because even though she was the Mother of the Son of God, she probably didn't see it that way. She nursed Him and bathed Him and changed His diaper and hugged Him and kissed his owies and cleaned His dirty clothes because He was her Son. Yes, He was Saviour, Redeemer, Ransomer of us all, but first and foremost.....He was her Baby.

I feel very close to Mary this season as I think about her softly singing lullabies to her baby. Mary takes an important role in my life this season as I think of her as a mama. It's such a sweet picture for me, to think of Jesus being cradled gently and rocked back and forth in Mary's arms. Mary wasn't divine, she was just the vessel that God chose to work through. Mary wasn't super spiritual, she was just a willing girl who God saw fit to hold the most amazing Gift we've ever known.

The fact that Mary responded to the angel, and to God, with such submission and humility makes me want to, as a mother, respond in kind to Him too. I want that sweet, gentle, lowly Jesus in my life too, to infuse me with His humbleness and to flow from me for all to see.

I'm contemplating this season carefully this year. I'm slowing down from frantic frenzy and being still this year. I'm hoping to offer myself as a vessel, just as Mary did, for whatever God wants to do in me. I'm quietly and keenly aware of the Baby Jesus, Emmanuel, I AM, in my life and asking Him....

Come, gentle Jesus, and may I be be, in Your sight, just a tiny bit as favored as Mary as I allow the sweetness and peace and beauty of the season to wrap around me and engulf me and Lord, may that faithfulness that is Your signature emanate from me.

May it be unto me as You have said.

I'm Back!!

2011-11-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

Hello out there!!!!

Are you all still there??

I'm back online!! You're either thinking "O No!" Or "O Yes!" I do so hope it's the latter.

I'm back online after being off for about 6 weeks. And let me tell you, the past six weeks have not been my favorite! But here we are, in our Hometown again, in Our House!!!

I noticed that I lost a follower.....whoever you are, please come back! I have so so SO many things to post about that I hope you won't be disappointed.

We had our first Thanksgiving in which I cooked (almost) the whole meal myself, with Hannah making the potatoes and Samantha making two pumpkin pies. It was just the 10 of us this year, praise our merciful Father. I felt no stress, no anxiety, no pressure to perform as I got up this morning, early, and began to cook. It was actually the most relaxed holiday we've ever had, in my opinion. We were able to be very relaxed and low-key this year. Our menu was turkey, ham, cheesy potatoes, stuffing with sausage, mushrooms and onions, Brazilian cheese puffs, green beans and corn, and gravy. It was all scrumpalicious!! It was the most peaceful, most laid back, nicest holiday I can remember. When dinner was over and everything was cleaned up, we watched The Lion King on VHS (GASP! Yes, we still have a VHS player) and then we played Yahtzee, which I royally lost, big time. Now we're doing a final clean up and getting ready for bed. Bliss, I tell ya!!

So, now that I'm back online, and now that I plan on being around regularly, let me ask a few questions: Do you stress out about the holidays? Do you go all out and fancy? Do you host gatherings? Or do you just do you and your family?? I'm looking forward to hearing about how you do things around the holidays.

My Loves

2011-10-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

So, to my knowledge, I've never done a post on my favorite things. Or things that I love. I know, I know, you all are just panting to delve into these subjects with me!! Ha. I have some things that I really, really love and I want to share those things. They've made my life happier!! Here goes!

Gals, I simply adore this stuff. I know, it's got a strange name! But this, Yes to Carrots Daily Cream Facial Cleanser, is absolutely decadent! It's wonderful! You see, I have really dry skin. And I've tried many cleansers and moisturizers that make high and lofty promises and just never, never deliver. I've tried expensive things and cheap things. I had already been using the Yes to Blueberries stuff (they have other products for different skin care needs) for my "aging" skin, but when we went down the coast on our vacation a few weeks ago, I forgot my skin stuff. So....I had to go buy some! I knew I liked this brand. And so, I decided to buy a tube of this stuff. HUGE tube, $7.99. Sweet price. This stuff delivers. Let me tell you though that I'm not consistent with my skin care regimen at all, but this stuff makes it really easy and fun to turn over a new leaf! It smells gorgeous, sweet and light, and as soon as I put it on my face it disappeared! My poor face just ate it right up! And it felt like a tall, cool drink of water on my dry, stressed skin. I was raving about it to my girls as soon as I put it on! And it only takes a small amount because it's so rich and creamy, so I know this will last me at least 6 months! Run out right now and get some! I got mine at Fred Meyer in the health food section, but I bet they have this stuff at Kroger or, you can order it online at http://www.yestocarrots.com

And this moisturizer? Lush! Wonderful. A small pot of Yes to Carrots Rich Moisture Day Cream runs $14.99 at Freddy's, but let me tell you, I use less than a pea sized amount, I mean, like just a teenie dab, and I smooth this stuff all over my face, and even on my throat. This will last me at least 6 months too. I feel immensely hydrated all day after using this, even under my make up, which can tend to dry me out, but I never feel dry after using this. It also smells gorgeous but not too heavy, and all of the ingredients in it are either organic or totally natural, nothing is artificial, which is very important to me.

I also use this stuff after each shower, because like I said, I have very dry skin, especially since we now use well water, and it's hard well water. This pot of Super Rich Body Butter cost $12.99 for 8.45 ounces or so, but I got 40% more for free when I ordered online, and this has lasted me literally more than 6 months. It's really good to use before bed. I love this stuff! This says it's for very dry skin, so it's really moisturizing and a bit thick, but I love it because it sinks right into my skin right away, and it's never greasy or sticky. Again, it smells very sweet and light, but the smell goes away and I find it doesn't interfere with my perfume.

I know, it's just a pot of nondescript powder....but ladies, this is Bare Escentuals face powder, and it revolutionized my life! I've been wearing BE makeup for a couple of years now. I had stopped wearing makeup because it irritated my skin so badly, and I didn't like the feeling of anything I tried. And I've tried it all, gals, from Clinique to Neutrogena to Almay to Cover Girl and anything in between!!! It was love at first brush for me. I find it's very inexpensive, especially because it lasts so long. And their eye makeup and mascara? The best! I have to be really careful what I put on my eyes because I had a severe eye condition when I was pregnant with Sofia almost 7 years ago, but this stuff is the best. Really. Prices vary, but I use it all, eye shadow, lip gloss, mascara, cheek color.....yes! The face powder is $20, and I think Macy's has a counter.

I couldn't get a pic of my next love, but it's so luxurious and so yummy! It's Bare Escentuals 100% Natural Lip gloss. Love. True Love! I have two tubes of this stuff and my favorite one, Cassis, has lasted me for over a year!! They're $15 each, and they smell like vanilla and the formula is rich and thick without being sticky or gummy. I keep them in my purse.

Okay, I think that's it for today. This post is just getting tooooo loooong!!

Just let me say that I know everything seems expensive, girls. And now you may think I'm snooty and exclusive and like to spend lots and lots of money on things, but please, don't read me wrong here! I won't apologize for the things I use because I have to use them. My face doesn't like anything else, and my family is dedicated to using organic and natural products, and supporting small companies that deliver on that. I spend the money because I hardly ever have to buy makeup and skin care, since all of this stuff I've posted about lasts so doggone long. And my husband wants me to and lets me. My skin is a lot happier! And, if you like to shop online, there's oodles of deals out there. There are all kinds of discounts and free shipping on different sites. I do hope you can try some of these things and please, let me know how you like them!!

Home

2011-10-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

We've lived here at this house for almost two years. We moved up here because my parents wanted us to, and they had been asking us to for some time, so we finally did in January of 2009. Dave thought the Farm Life sounded splendid, and we could save so much money by living with my folks.....

Fast forward almost two years.

Basically, we've been kicked out.

So, we're going back to our Hometown House.

We're so relieved. We're so excited. We're so focused.

Let me say that this house has never, and will never, be home to me. I have never felt at home here during holiday visits or day jaunts. Never. Not once.

I wanted so badly to honor my husband by allowing him to move here and realize some of his dreams. But.....

It has been the hardest, most difficult, most horrendous, most dark, most maturing, most growing, most intense years of my life here. I have grown so much closer to the Lord and to my husband and kids.

And I think the agony and pain and horribleness of the past two years have been worth being closer to my Lord and my husband and kids!

I guess this is kind of a disjointed post, a random post, but it's all on my mind right now and I wanted to post it.

We just can't wait to get back to our hometown. We think it's only going to be temporary, but we dearly want what God has for us, whether it's staying in our hometown permanently or moving into the house we have our eye on.

I don't want to go into details about all that's going on here. I strive not to dishonor anyone and I strive to be upright in my mind. I know that where there are many words, sin is not absent. I know that without wood a fire goes out. I know that I'm the one who has to be the Christian in this relationship with my folks.

I can't wait to get back to my very own space. I have a deep desire to be accepted for who I really am. I want to be treated like an intelligent adult. I want to be affirmed and encouraged. I desire peace of mind and a tranquil spirit. I need to be able to take a deep breath, and breathe in serenity. We had that in our hometown.

You may think that it wasn't God's will for us to move here, or that we stepped outside of His will when we moved here.....but we didn't. God brought us here to refine me and shape me and sharpen me. He wanted my kids and husband and me to be closer.

Romans 5:1-5 has been one of the passages that I have been clinging to as a life preserver...."Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through Whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit Who was given to us."

Anyway, I just wanted to work out my thoughts in a post, and I'm glad I did. Randomness is my speciality, it's just how my mind works!!

Before I go, here are five more things I'm thankful for today:

My son. I'm thankful for him for so many reasons.

My van. It's luxurious. It runs great. It's cool looking!

My down comforter on my bed. It's all we need, whether it be Summer, Winter, Spring or Fall.

My voice. Specifically, my singing voice. I've been singing since I was 6 years old. Praise and singing is a very powerful tool in many ways, and I'm thankful that my husband is encouraging me to use my voice. I'm going into the studio around the first of the year to make an album.

My dear friends Stephanie. She's everything I need in a friend. She's a sharpener. She's a lover. She's an encourager. She's a prayer warrior. I love her!!

Okay, have a good night!!

Thankful

2011-10-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm thankful.

Several months ago, I read Ann Voskamp's book on thankfulness, really, the concept of making a list of 1000 things that you're thankful for. The idea took root in my heart, and I've been thinking about it ever since.

So today, I am going to start posting about things that I'm thankful for.

I know most of you won't care about my list. Let me tell you anyway why I'm doing it: thankfulness breeds contentment, which breeds more thankfulness, and all of this is a way to harvest joy. I'm also very, very forgetful and so, I'm posting these thankful things so that I have a record of thankfulness, so that these things will be forever etched on my mind and heart. Moreover, my family and I have been making an effort to live in an attitude of thankfulness!

So, here's my first five things that I am most thankful for this day:

Books! I'm an avid, voracious reader, and God has touched my heart and opened my heart through many a meaty, ponderous, wonderful book, fiction and non-fiction alike. Jan Karon is my favorite author.

Avocados! I simply adore avocados. I have since I was very small, in any form. I'm even more thankful for avocados because their fats help your brain to produce seratonin, which wards off depression, which I am prone to.

A yellow Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencil, freshly sharpened! Oh, the possibilities are endless for this pencil-paper-and-pen junkie with a new pencil to use!

A baby who is, and has always been, even from moments after birth, a great nurser! It's very gratifying to see my body nourishing another human being with the nectar God gave for just that purpose.

Our house in our hometown, to which we will be triumphantly returning in just 68 days. We are so thankful that we have someplace to go that is, simply said, just ours, in the midst of this very, very difficult season. My husband and I have often told the kids how blessed we are to have a place to go, because if we didn't have our house in our hometown, we'd be destitute.

Well, that's my list. I'm going to try to post 5 more things on my "mental list" very soon.

Now, what are YOU thankful for??

Remembering

2011-09-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm remembering.

I remember last September.

I remember September 28, 2010.

That day, I found out that my life was about to change forever.

I found out we were going to have identical twin girls.

I was on Cloud Nine.

I was so ecstatic. I was so grateful. I was so flummoxed.

I had met Baby A (Pennie Jane) and Baby B (Olivia Caroline), and I had fallen promptly in love. With my whole heart!

I remember seeing those two little heads on the screen.

It's amazing what a difference a year makes.

I will never, ever, as long as I draw breath, forget that I had two babies in my tummy. I will always, everlastingly be deeply thankful to God for giving me as much time with them as He did.

That Fall was beautiful. The color was magnificent here. We do get the changing of the seasons where we live, which I'm so glad for!

I read a quote somewhere, recently. I'm not sure where I read it or exactly when, but here it is:

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!"

Today, more than the grief and tears and anguish and agony of the past year, I find myself so glad God chose me to be the vessel for my twin babies, and that Olivia was in the secret, secure place when Jesus summoned her to His side. I am so glad. Fortunate. Blessed. And thankful. And I find myself, the past few weeks, bending more. I feel like I'm more flexible for His will for me.

If you're in a hard spot right now, allow God to bring the good memories back to you, and please, try to thank Him for bringing you where you are right now.

I'd love to pray for you, so if you have a prayer request, email me and I will bring it to the Lord on your behalf.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!"

Someone's Growing

2011-09-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well, it's here.

Our Pennie has hit the 6 month mark!

Actually, she's really almost 7 months old.....

I marvel, sometimes with tears of nostalgia, at how swiftly time passed since we welcomed her into our world.

Sometimes, my heart can't help but ask, "what if?" What if Olivia was here? What if Pennie and Olivia were still together? What if I had both of them to fill up my arms? Truthfully, I do have many such moments, still, but I've learned that it's okay to ask those questions, and when my heart is most wrenched and when anguish and tears come seeking me out, I just take a *very deep* breath and call out to the Lord. That's how I've been able to walk this path and stay on it!

What is Pennie up to these days? She has some nicknames, like Butt Nutt, Moomer, Doodle.....and we have a dear friend who calls her Pretzel!

She is now sitting up by herself! She can also get herself down from a sitting position, but I think so far it's an accidental thing.
She can roll from her back to her tummy now, but not from her tummy to her back yet.
She is getting up on her hands and knees and rocking back and forth.
She is nursing about every 2.5 hours. We tried solids in hopes that she would sleep longer at night, but that was DISASTROUS!!! So, we will try again in a month or so.
She sleeps, on a good night, about 6 hours. Yay for good nights!!
She has two tiny teeth on the bottom gums.
She is still wearing mostly 3-6 month clothes, but some 6-9 month clothes
We have lots of girl clothes, but they are all the wrong sizes for the wrong seasons! Gymboree, here I come!!
She is wearing size 3 Huggies Snug n Dry. They are still very big on her but the size 2's were too short and we were having leaks because of that.
She weighs 16 lbs. She is very small for her age.
Mama is her favorite person!

I was advised when I was pregnant with The Babies, and after Olivia died, that Pennie may have some problems. Mainly, they were concerned about Cerebral Palsy, as a result of the large placenta and my body not knowing that it needed to cut off some of the blood supply going to The Babies in light of Olivia's death. My specialist told me that we wouldn't know if Cerebral Palsy was an issue till later in her life. I do believe that she is having some issues with her fine motor skills. She cannot grasp objects very well and seems to have trouble bending her fingers to grasp. She has trouble holding on to an object for any length of time, but I think that she is behind by about two or three months in what she "should be doing" for her age and compared to my other babies. I do believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her cognitive mind. She also startles very easily still.....but you know what? We don't care! We feel sooooo blessed that God let her live and grace us with her presence! We simply want to know what is what so we can help her here in our home.

She is still sleeping in our room in a crib, mainly because we have absolutely NO room in this house for her to be in with the girls. But we hope that may change soon....

I do wish I could share pics of her with you all, but I just can't figure out how to load pics from a digital camera on this dumb PC!

So, that about wraps it up. Time to finish up dinner!

Diaper Trials

2011-08-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

I promised you all that I would do a post on my trials and triumphs with diapers.

So, here is the much-anticipated post! Brace yourselves, it's a looong one!

Let me just tell you all that where diapers are concerned, believe me, I have been to the moon and back! I kid you not, I have tried absolutely every. single. brand. out there! Some brands I've tried multiple times. Some brands, I knew that I never wanted to see them again upon the first use. Some brands, I never even got past taking them out of the package! In this post I will catalog my usage of the brands of diapers that are out there and I will tell you what I liked and didn't like about each.

As you can probably guess, each of my children have worn diapers! And I care deeply about my children's buns. I am not one to just settle for whatever diaper is on sale. I guess you could say that I am deeply Brand Loyal! I will also tell you that diapers have changed immensely since my first child was born 17 years ago, even when nothing was wrong with a particular brand. My philosophy is, why can't manufacturers leave well enough alone??!!

The first brand I ever tried, back when Russell was born almost 17 years ago, was Pampers, because that's the brand that our hometown hospital uses. And I loved Pampers. They were the only diapers that I used for him, exclusively.

A little side-story here:
Russell was my very first baby. That means that I had absolutley NO idea what to do with him. When the nurses gave him to me to take home after his two-week stay in the NICU, I panicked! I must have looked half crazed! And I didn't even know how to change a diaper. The NICU nurses had to show me. So when I brought him home I felt pretty proud of myself for actually knowing how to get him bathed and dressed and diapered with a minimum of struggle. But I did notice that I was having to change his clothes a LOT during the day! This puzzled me. He'd have this wet spot along the middle of his outfit, at the top of his diaper, and I had no clue how it got there. One day, I decided to bring this matter up with my husband. My husband came into Russell's room with me and watched as I changed him. He studied the operation and finally said,
"Honey, are you pointing his thingy down?"
And I was like "Excuse me?"
And he said to me, "Honey, you have to point his thingy down in order for the pee pee to actually go into the diaper instead of out of the diaper."
Ah ha! So from that day on I did what he said and lo and behold, no more leaks!!
Anyway....

So, I stuck with Pampers Baby Dry for many years. Then they came out with Pampers Swaddlers and Pampers Cruisers. Ah. The relationship was elevated to me becoming Pampers #1 fan! Only one thing marred my bliss: they cost an arm and a leg! Even with coupons. But I continued to use them because of the love factor. And back then, they were good diapers.

I used Pampers for a number of years before I decided to investigate further. By this time Hannah and Samantha had arrived. I was using Pampers for them too, but the price was rising higher and higher. They were both in diapers at the same time, being 16 months apart. So it was even more important to me to get the best diaper for the best value. By this time I felt like I knew what I needed in a diaper and I was pretty confident that I could judge a diaper acurrately.

I tried generic store brands. Fred Meyer. Drug Store brands. Target at this time did not have a store brand, and I had never even heard of Wal Mart. I tried Safeway brand. All I can say is, ICK! The store brands that I tried were so flimsy, so thin, so papery that they could not stand up to a flood of liquid, let alone anything else, and I was having to change diapers every two hours. Let me say, if you are changing a diaper every two hours, this is NOT a savings!! You are having to use a lot more diapers because they can't stand up to the tough stuff.

I decided that I would stick with Pampers. But I did switch to Pampers Cruisers exclusively. I loved the way they flexed and moved. They were soft. They seemed to have a good air flow without getting stinky. I almost never had a blow out during this time. We decided to budget in the big bucks for Pampers from now on.

Alas, all good things seem to come to an end, and manufacturers think they need to change things up to compete, I guess. Around the time Sara was born I noticed that, upon taking a diaper out of the package, it just didn't feel or look the same as they had in the past. This is when I became disillusioned with Pampers and decided to try Luvs. For about $10.00 less per box! Keep in mind that this was eons before the internet and before Diapers.com!

So I fell in love with Luvs. I used Luvs for a few more years before, you guessed it, they changed them! So I felt forced to switch back to Pampers. They were ho-hum.

Fast forward. It's now years in the future and I'm not really loving diapers anymore. I've now tried Target brand (Up and Up). Wal Mart brand (totally forgot the name). By the time Sofia was born I was settling. I even saved some Luvs from when I used them with Sara, and I compared them to the Luvs that I bought for Sofia. BIG change. I used the few Luvs that I had saved, mourning all the time for the great diaper that they had just gotten rid of for no reason.

When Lucie was born I used what I had on hand. I had a few packages of diapers from the hospital. They were Pampers Swaddlers, only they now had some sort of net thing, a mesh thing, covering the inside of the diaper, and every time I took a diaper off of her, it stuck to her. Not to mention that she started to get a bad rash. Then my friends had a diaper shower for me. This gave me the opportunity to try different diapers again.

I have tried organic diapers. We were concerned by this time of the junk touching our girls's buns, and we used everything else organic, why not diapers?! Yeah right. I tried 7th Generation. For like 35 cents a diaper. Ugh. And they were bulky. And ugly. They worked well, but the price deterred me. I tried Earth's Best, found at Grocery Outlet for a steal.....but I had to change diapers every two hours! And we were having blow outs, bad ones, every diaper. So back I went to Pampers Cruisers.

Yes, expensive diapers are less expensive now with the advent of sites like Diapers.com and Amazon. I can get my faves for the same price as generic diapers.

I had some Huggies out in the container from a diaper shower that my friends threw me when we found out we were having twins, and I was hesitant to use them because I had not been happy with Huggies in the past. But we ran out of diapers and it was quite a few days till payday, so I had to try them. And I fell in love! With Huggies Snug and Dry, with Baby Mickey on the front.

In my opinion, Huggies are the best option out here. I can leave a Huggies on Pennie for the whole night and there's nary a sign of a leak. We've never had a blow out. They fit great. They're cute. And I can get them for pretty cheap on Amazon, I found. No rashes either!

I do like Kirkland brand diapers, and I had been using them for Lucie now that she's older because they're good diapers, but for Pennie, the smallest size they start with are a combined size 1-2. I think they're about 19 cents a diaper or something like that, compared to 25 cents at Costco for Huggies Snug and Dry. So, Pennie doesn't fit into size three yet, and she's too big for the littler size.

So, I guess what I would leave you all with, after a gargantuanly long post (thanks for hanging in there) is that diapers can be very affordable online. I have been so happy with Diapers.com. You can look at every diaper under the sun and they even lay out the cost per diaper for you! I like that. They also have customer reviews, which I loved when I was contemplating which diaper to order for Pennie. Also, shipping is usually free with an order of a certain dollar amount (usually a weird amount like $49), and, the icing on the cake is that shipping is really fast, usually two days after I place my order. I met a gal at Costco who told me about Amazon Moms, and she told me that I can order Huggies for the same price as store brands!!

Also, diaper showers are a fabulous idea for first time moms, and even third time moms or eight time moms! A mom needs to stock up on diapers, and a diaper shower is a great way to do that.

Here's a wrap up of the points in this post"
Diapers I hate: Luvs. Pampers. Up and Up. Safeway brand. Wal Mart brand. Hmmmm...just about every diaper that isn't Huggies Snug and Dry!! And I'm going to order them from Amazon soon. I will let you know the cost per diaper and all that stuff.

In the meantime, happy diaper shopping!!

Grocery Shopping

2011-08-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

Okay.

I've decided to do a post about Grocery Shopping for our Large Family.

I don't know how many of you will be interested in this post, but I want to do it anyway because maybe somebody out there would like to know how we do things and also, in later years when all my Baby Chiles are gone I will have a record of how it used to be when we had a Full House. God, please don't let that day come too soon!!!

Before I start, let me just say that I am in no way implying that the way we do things is the Perfect Way or the way you should do things. We've just found ways that work for us. I do not intend to preach or legalize or judge you. You may be shocked when I reveal how much we spend on groceries. I offer no justification for my spending here in this post, and I in no way feel guilty for how much we spend, except to say that groceries are the only thing we really spend money on. I am eternally thankful that my husband has a very good job and that he has had for the past 18 years. Again, I say this is the way we do things, so please, do not judge us!!

So, my husband gets paid every two weeks. He works all the overtime he can at work, which means that he is literally signed up on the Overtime Desired list to work as much over 8 hours a day as he can, and as his boss wants him too. The person who is lowest on the Overtime Desired list gets the most overtime until everyone on the list is equal. Being on the Overtime Desired list also means you get called on your days off to come to work, at a rate of double time for the first 8 hours, then double time and a half after 8 hours. His work day starts at 8 AM and he used to work 11 hour days. When we lived in our hometown, he had a 3-minute commute. Now his commute is 39 minutes, so sometimes we don't see him until almost 8 PM, depending on how much overtime he gets each day. There are seasons that are heavier for overtime. He's been on the Overtime Desired list practically since he started his job, so we hardly know any different. When he gets off before 5 PM, it's like he has a day off!! It works for us. It's a way for him to earn lots of extra money, which we really need, and he actually likes his job!

Since he gets paid every two weeks, we grocery shop every two weeks. I have used cash. I have written checks. I have used a debit card. I've used the debit card for the longest period of time. We have even used the Envelope method. This payday I took out cash. To be able to use cash I must know exactly how much I am going to spend on groceries, and this payday, I did!

Typically in the past, I have always gone waaay over my grocery budget. I would traditionally spend anywhere from $1600 to $1800 a month on groceries, and that includes toiletries, laundry items, cleaning supplies, diapers, and anything else we would need for the house. But I would just put anything I wanted on my list. Lately, we have been trying to tighten our belts a bit in our spending. My husband asked me to see if I could shave some money off of our grocery bill, and at first I was totally resistant to it, even offended that he would suggest such a thing! But now, I think I'm kind of getting into it!

The past couple of months I have been working hard on cataloging every single thing we buy and writing down the prices for everything. This is so we can have a record of what we buy and now, since I've done all of that extra work, I know exactly how much we will spend on each grocery trip. Yesterday, what is usually a one hour shopping trip at Costco turned into a three hour trip, as I walked through the entire warehouse, looking at everything we would need and writing each and every price down. I found that indeed, it is going to be cheaper for us to shop there, and now we have a record of prices so there isn't any doubt about how much I will spend in the future. This has made my husband soooo happy!!

We also have access to a Co-op that we can order online from and have the order delivered locally. Many large families in our county order from this co-op. They offer everything under the sun, and boy, is it tons cheaper to order from them! It is a family owned co-op in the next state down from us, and they are believers, and we love that we can support families who love the Lord and our lifestyle as much as we do! Usually families around here go in together on an order, because it has to be for a certain amount before they will deliver it. We can order every single thing on our grocery list from them, even refrigerated items, and if we spend a certain amount, we can tell them where to drop it off.

I buy mostly organic, natural things. Yes, this is more expensive, but we are actually saving money due to the fact that we are not putting harmful, deadly chemicals and genetically modified organisms into our bodies, thereby saving thousands of dollars a year on doctor bills for the side effects of eating an unhealthy, unnatural diet. I sincerely believe that our children are healthier and heartier because of our diet. I could get on a soap box about this, but that's another post! Let me just say, we are passionate about organic and all natural diets, but we hope that we are passionate in a gentle, kind way!

I make all of my own cleaners. It's so easy and CHEAP!! That way, I know that we aren't inhaling any harmful fumes and I can feel good about that!

We are working on being totally self-sufficient. We have plans to get a milk cow. We have planted numerous square-foot gardens, and we have a large green house and another garden plot which will be totally planted with berries. Last year we planted several orchard trees. We have our own chickens and raise our own beef. This will shave more money off of our grocery bills when our trees and berries and vegetables come to maturity.

I almost never buy boxed convenience foods or mixes. I make 99% of the things we snack on and eat from scratch, including our bread. We believe it's just healthier that way! I can see exactly what is going into our food and I love that!

I usually take two kids with me on Shopping Day. And of course, since I'm still nursing, Pennie gets to come along everywhere we go!!

Now, just because we are passionate about eating organic and all natural, this does not mean that we don't eat out once in a great while (does that make us hypocrites??) Lately we have been making lunch to take with us, especially if we know we're going to be gone all day. But occasionally I'll stop at Wendy's or Jack in the Box and the kids will order off the dollar menu. We really love Burgerville because they tend toward organic and all natural items that are raised and grown locally, but it is very expensive. Anyway, what we make at home and bring with us tastes so much better!!

I do not clip coupons because usually, organic and natural items are not included in the coupon discounts. I also believe that some people out there have gotten really good at "working the system", which I think is purely unethical. I truly do not have time to watch the various papers, clip umpteen coupons for umpteen different stores and then, figure out where to put all of the coupons so I won't lose them! I don't want to waste precious and expensive gas running around here and there, thither and yon, just to save 50 cents. The things we usually buy are never on coupons anyway. I just decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to stress out about clipping coupons. As I mentioned in my previous post, I choose the one-stop shopping at Fred Meyer, and now the savings I get at Costco.

I have been getting my diapers on Diapers.com, but two of my friends have told me that Amazon sells them cheaper, so I am going to start ordering my diapers from Amazon. Most of the time I get free shipping and the quick shipping blows my mind! The box of diapers is typically on my doorstep two days after my order. Sweeeet!!! Plus, I can order the diapers I love for just as cheap as the cheapest diapers at the store, which means more money saved there because I'm not changing a soaked diaper or outfit every two hours! I'll do a separate post on diapers soon.

We never buy meat. We have been purchasing home-grown beef for several years now, at least 10 years. We used to buy our beef from Dave's dad. After that it was from a neighbor of my parents. The past couple of years my father has raised a calf for us. We paid half of the cost of the hay and the butcher fee. This year we paid the full cost of the hay and we will be implementing the concept of Salad Bar Beef. If you've never heard of it, it's worth researching. Home grown beef is so much cheaper.

So, I think that about covers everything in the category of Grocery Shopping. I'm always refining my methods. We do have a lot of storage space in the form of a storage container out by the hay barn. Shelf systems from Costco line the walls. Plus, we have a chest freezer on the back porch and we are thinking about buying another fridge.

There you have it. Like I said, this is only how we do things. I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have. And soon, I'll post about diapers and what I've learned after having 8 children!!

Thoughts

2011-08-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hmmm....

My vow to post more often has not been kept!

All I have done on my blog to make it "new and improved" is change my header pic.

Wooo. I blow myself away with my efficiency and my diligence!

Anyway....

I tell ya, it's been a very interesting 6 months. Heck, who'm I kidding?

It's been a very interesting almost-2-years!!

Living in the same house with my folks. Taking care of tremendously neglected acreage. Learning new things. Becoming "country". Missing my city. Tension. Deep heartache. Joy. The end of chapters, the beginning of new ones. The death of dreams. The falling off of shackles. Seeing with new eyes. Growing. Changing. Maturing. Disillusionment. Freedom. We have tasted all of these things and more, the past couple of years.

I never thought I'd be a Country Girl. I never thought I had it in me, after living in mostly big cities all of my life. It IS very pretty out here........it just took (and takes) some doing! When you live on acreage and have a Husband With a Vision for Said Acreage, nobody ever gets to cool their jets for very long!

We love living closer to our Very Good Friends that we met over two years ago when we started going to a church around here. We no longer go to that church but we have remained good friends with a couple of the families. The oldest girl in our favorite family is our girls' piano teacher and she has started a Bible Study on Thursdays for girls. We love it. I myself never expected to get anything out of a Bible Study for Girls!!!! But let me tell you, earlier this week, after Moments of Intense Fellowship with Dave, I was telling the girls that I wasn't going to go anymore! Ha. Do you say things like that when you get convicted??? Ha.

Pennie is going to be 6 MONTHS OLD on Saturday. We sit back and marvel at how fast that time passed......and it's always, even against my will, tinged with if only's........She is our precious pearl. She just has something in her that literally draws people to her. Seriously, every where we go, people stop and stare and exclaim and try to touch her and talk to her! It's amazing to me. It's startling. It's interesting, as I've never before had a child draw people to her like that. I'm looking forward to finding out what it IS that is the magnet......

So, I'm now the Mother of Two Teens, with a Second Teen on the radar pretty soon, like in December! It just sounds sooooo strange when I say I have teenagers. I praise God for my teenagers. They are blossoming (even my son is) into Godly young adults. This Bible study we are going to has really brought out all the good in my 4 older girls. But my teens are surprising me! Oy. Sigh. Yikes! Does that mean I'm OLD now???

I just realized the other day that my Fortieth Birthday AND my Twentieth Anniversary fall in the same year, just a few months shy of each other. Wow. Big Stuff!! How will I feel about turning 40? I can tell you, I felt literally super old as this past birthday approached and limped by!!

I made the Mistake of walking into a Gymboree store the other day. Heavens to Mergatroid!! A small little fact that none of you may know about me is that I am literally, for Real, a Gymbofreak!! I mean it. My babies, especially my girls, start out life almost exclusively in Gymboree. I just adore their attention to details. I love the new lines. I love the rich colors and the creativity behind the lines and the pieces. I have found tons of my Gymbo on eBay. I keep a sharp eye out at resale shops for Gymboree too, although, due to the timelessness of the lines and the durability of the clothes, I hardly find it secondhand. So, now all I can think about is the darling stuff I saw!!! And with 6 girls who can fit into their sizes........

I'm dearly, dearly hoping, almost praying, for my tomatoes to get ripe! We have four large half wine cask barrels of tomatoes planted out front. Tomatoes have always been one of my favorite foods, even when I was small. Pico de Gallo. Grilled tomatoes. Tomato sandwiches. Tomato salad. And my Kellie shares that love with me! So, the two of us go out front and literally stare at all of the green tomatoes, willing them red!! Hmmm.....the weather just needs to warm up another 10 degrees, and stay that way for a few weeks.......

Okay, I need to wrap up this Road to Nowhere now. It's one day before payday, and that means rummaging around for things to eat. It means being resourceful. It means it's tough to fill up our bellies!! In our household, we grocery shop every two weeks. It's a large, all day trip and I traditionally take one or two of the kids with me, usually a younger one and an older one. It gives me Special Time with the two that I pick to go with me, and they feel like Royalty. Tomorrow I'll be taking Hannah and Sofia (who hardly ever gets to come) and we will be going up North instead of down to our Hometown. For many years, I have shopped at Fred Meyer almost exclusively, and our hometown Grocery Outlet the past couple of years. I am not one to love running around to store after store after store just to get a seemingly good deal, because after all, factoring in the money spent on wasted gas, running from store to store really isn't a savings. I have loved Freddy's because I love one-stop shopping, and they have all of the natural and organic things we love. And I know pretty much everybody there by name, and they know us. They've watched my kids grow! We are going to start buying in bulk and trying to get away from small grocery stores. A lot of the people with Large Families, who I consider to be wise, say that shopping at warehouse stores like Costco is the way to go. So, we are going to try it!

I think I feel the craving for a Coffee Drink coming on.......

Thankful Thursday

2011-08-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful for this girl.
She is such a fantastic addition to our family.
She's inquisitive.
She's straighforward.
She's no-nonsense.
She's mature.
She's affectionate.
She's friendly.

I've always thought that there's an adult hidden inside of this 8 year old's frame.
I think I'm right.
Sometimes I see glimpses of the woman she will become. That's bittersweet!
I'm really looking forward to seeing this girl grow up.
Thank You, Dear Father, for her.

Fourteen

2011-07-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

This girl is going to turn 14 tomorrow.
My firstborn girl.
I can't believe how fast the years have gone.
I can look back and see her at three years old, at Grandma and Papa's,
in that cowboy hat and those silly 80's roller skates.....
Wait, that was only yesterday!

She has become such a great young woman.
I marvel at her skills and her abilities......
She definitely takes after her Dad.
She loves knives and swords and guns and fishing poles.
She'd be great at karate.
She loves outdoor, hard work.

Hannah, we love you so much!
This is a bittersweet time for me.....
I want you to grow up and have a family of your own......
But.....
I want you to stay here with us, forever......
I see God blessing you, and I pray for more and more of His blessings.
I love you.

Pennie Jane

2011-07-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

I think it's high time I did a post on Pennie!!
She's soooo yummy. I really could eat her with a spoon.
In the first picture, Dave and I and our two oldest girls took her to a nursery south of us.
She was so good!

She loves having her picture taken. She's 4 months old here. I'm amazed that she's so gorgeous, and really sweet.

One of the things she is doing is she'll cram her face into my shoulder and open her mouth and growl or bellow...it's SO cute!!
She can roll over from her back to her tummy, whenever she's on the floor and OUT of
someone's arms!
Around here, she's being held all the time!
She's trying to grab things.
She can grab her toes.
She is just learning how to use her hands.
She's been in her Exersaucer a few times. She is starting to like it.....
She just discovered her reflection today in the mirror on it.....does she see Olivia?
She stared at herself for a good 10 minutes.

She sleeps through the night, usually about 6 hours. Praise God!
She takes good naps during the day.
Her new bed time is around 9-9:30, instead of 10:30!
She's a great nurser. She nurses about every 2.5 hours.
She is a Mama's girl!!

She wears Kirkland (Costco brand) diapers, size1-2, or Luvs size 2.
Kirkland diapers are 13 cents a diaper.
Luvs diapers are 25 cents a diaper, on diapers.com.
I still cannot find a diaper that I love. They've changed so much, even since Lulu was born!
But I think I like Kirkland diapers, and the price is good!
She still can wear 3-6 month clothes, but mostly I have her in 6 month clothes.
She has lots of cute summer stuff, and I'm such a resale/thrift store junkie!!

I guess that's about it. Thanks for tuning in!!

Ah-ha Moment

2011-07-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

I had a revelation today while driving along on this absolutely magnificent summer day. Lately I have been pondering why God has not delivered me from this consuming grief. I have been crying out, beseeching, begging Him to take it away. And, let me be deadly honest here, I have to say I've been upset and sad and frustrated that He hasn't "done what He said He'd do."

I have to ask myself now, WHEN did He ever say He was going to take my pain away? WHEN did He say that I was on the wrong road? How can I be on the wrong road when this is where He has placed me? I never had a personal guarantee that I wouldn't hurt of feel pain or be devastated! I seem to have forgotten that lately. I seem to have forgotten all of the verses in the Bible that promise His presence in trials and temptations, and light and momentary afflictions, and being poured out all the day like a drink offering......I have been feeling like the sky is a great big brass dome, and that He is nowhere to be found in my life.

Today was an "ah-ha moment" for me! I felt the proverbial "light" switching on. Yeah, it was like lightning bolts and oh-my-word and all of that.

He isn't going to take my pain away, and I'm not suddenly going to wake up on a different road tomorrow, and here's why: He doesn't want to take my pain away and He isn't going to because He wants me to learn through all of this. Being here and feeling this anguish and sorrow is the only way He can teach me what this season means. And He is here, the Bible promises He is! He's right in the midst of this battle with me, and with you! I will come out on the other side, at the end of this road, stronger and wiser than I was. But, it takes walking this road to get there. There's no other way. This is where He wants me right now. These feelings are what He wants me to feel so that I will constantly have to rely on Him and constantly call out to Him.

I don't think it will get easier right now but I do feel a bit more at peace right now. The Bible promises that He is my shepherd. The Word promises that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I don't have to fear. Scripture says that He was even with Job, whose suffering makes mine look like small potatoes! If I constantly place His statutes and promises before my eyes, they will guide me through this season.

And let me just say that I'm not saying He is incapable of delivering us from grief and pain and sorrow and anguish, oh no. I'm not saying He's mean and cruel. I believe that if it is His will, BAM, sorrow and mourning would leave in a flash. However, I do believe that He gives us trials and heartache and challenges and chooses not to deliver us from them to teach us and refine us and prune us and shape us. There's sometimes no other way. Please don't misread or mistake what I'm saying today.

I hope you take this revelation to heart too, for your own peace. I think it applies to all of us who are hurting badly. Meanwhile, I'm going to start thanking Him for being with me right now. Because He's been telling me He is!!!

Soul Ache

2011-06-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

Olivia.........

When I kiss Pennie's beautiful face, I kiss your face too.
When I tell Pennie I love her, I echo it to you too.
When I cradle Pennie in my arms, my heart cradles you too.
My soul aches for you.
My eyes long to see you.
One day....

Flexible

2011-06-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

"Be merciful to me, O God,
be merciful to me!
For my soul trusts in You
and in the shadow
of Your wings
will I make my refuge
until these calamities
have passed by" Psalm 57:1

I read Psalm 57 this morning as part of my morning devotions, and wow, it really encouraged me to hang in there during very trying physical circumstances. I am in the midst of tough health issues right now, and I so easily get discouraged or depressed. I'm not sure where you are in your walk with God or where He has you in life right now, but I want to share this next word with you. I feel compelled to, and I hope it strengthens and helps you, wherever you are in this season of life.

"The believer's spiritual pipeline to Heaven is built upon firm trust in God. But if we are inflexible in our expectations of how WE think God should work, we can run into trouble. In a crisis, we can make the mistake of shifting our focus from God to our painful circumstances. Instead, our prayer should be,'"God, I don't understand why you have allowed this painful situation. But I am trusting in Your ultimate deliverance despite all that's going on around me.' The psalmist expressed this so well when he wrote'"my soul trusts in You...until these calamities have passed.' When the earth seems to move under us, let's be flexible in our expectations but firmly confident in God's steadfast love and care" Dennis Fisher

God may delay or even deny our request, but He will never disappoint our trust.

I'm Here

2011-06-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

Whew...

What a busy and not-exactly-wonderful few weeks!

Let's just talk about what's been going on the past four weeks, shall we??

Russell, our dear firstborn son, turned 16 and is now driving. I know. Pray for me! He's doing okay, despite the fact that he's never, ever been behind the wheel of a car, ever. In his life. He's nervous and jumpy, but he did say the other day that he's gaining confidence and feeling more sure of himself. I keep telling him that if I learned how to drive and became a good driver, then yes, he can too. He's been taking Driver's Ed in our hometown since the beginning of May. It's his first time being in a classroom setting. There are other teens there from various schools. I observed a class before we signed him up, and it left me feeling very quizzical and bewildered, and nervous about my son being in contact with such freaky teens, but he has taken that all in stride. He just laughs and shakes his head and has some interesting stories to tell on his way home from class. The teacher really likes him, and I think he's one of two homeschooled kids out of about 13 kids in his class. We like the teacher too. He's forty and I asked him why he decided to teach Driver's Ed to a bunch of crazy, fried, adrenaline craving teens, and I told him he was crazy. He told me he does it because he really loves the kids...and he said, "Yeah, maybe I am crazy too!"

We're also in the midst of potty training LuLu. She's interested, but thinks going to sit on the toiley is just social hour. She just can't get the hang of actually going in the toiley. She has gone twice so far.....and when she does, we always make a great big deal out of it and give her a small treat, but she still doesn't really understand what the toilet is really for, it looks like. She tells us she has to go "bahoom" all the time, but when she gets on there it just doesn't happen. Oh well, at least she isn't afraid of the actual toilet anymore.

We've been really slacking off on our studies inside the house, like the reading, writing and math stuff, in favor of the greenhouse and horticulture and agriculture and things like that. We have a great greenhouse that Husband built and yes, we are using it to its full potential! So, we aren't doing much traditional "schoolwork", but we are doing much, much more. Our goal is to grow most of the stuff we eat, and maybe sell some of it too.

Also, the kids and Daddy decided to go with Square Foot Gardening. So those are built and our seed starts, which we started in the greenhouse, are "in the ground", so to speak, and are doing really well. We have a dizzying array of veggies out there.

We always start to teach our kids to read when they are between four and five years old. We've been trying with Sofia for about a year. We use the Hooked on Phonics curriculum, which we have been using since Russell was 5. We love it. It has always, always worked well for us, no matter the personality or different learning styles of our children. However, it isn't going well with Sofia. And we finally figured out why. She needs her eyes checked! And, she's foolish and stubborn and doesn't want to do it, but we've dealt with kids like that before, and they've always learned how to read. So, we're waiting on the funds to get her eyes checked. I did a little homemade eye test, and it didn't look good. But we think she'll be a great learner as soon as she gets her eyes squared away! My grandpa and mother and brother and myself have all worn glasses, and now Sara wears a very strong prescription with her glasses, so it wouldn't be surprising if Sofia needs glasses too.

Samantha has been sewing with my dear mother in law for a few years now, and she's doing fantastic. She cut her teeth on the hard stuff like medievel gowns and fancy dresses, and she does a really great job. My father in law divorced my mother in law after over 33 years of marriage, but she is one of my top 3 favorite people in the whole world, and we love her soooooo much. Father in law remarried a few months after he dumped her, but we still consider her Grandma, even if she is Husband's step mom. She is one of the most loving and wonderful people I know. So Samantha has been hanging out with her for a few years, and now Samantha has decided to sell her gowns on eBay. We listed her first one a couple days ago.

Let's see......what else.......

Oh! I almost forgot! PENNIE!!!!!

(Just kidding!)

Pennie is three and a half months old now, and we think she's thriving. Here's what the daily schedule looks like with her: She has been sleeping through the night for about a month and half, thank the Good Lord Above!!! She and I typically go to bed between 9:30 and 10. She sleeps from about 10-10:30 to about 6. Praise God. I'm so thankful for more than three hours of sleep!! I get her up and feed her, and she goes down again till about 8-9 o'clock. She is also sleeping in her crib close to our bed in our room now, and she likes it. I get her up again and feed her again around 9 AM and she'll sit in her papasan chair with the music on and look at everyone and smile. She goes in the high chair whenever we're in the kitchen, and she likes to be in the center of the whirlwind here. She usually gets sleepy about 25 minutes after a feeding and wants to take a nap, either in her bed or she'll fall asleep in her papasan chair. She eats about every 2 to 2 and a half hours. She's chunky!! She is really getting big. She can hold her hands up in front of her face now when she's lying on her back, and she spends a lot of the day trying to get her thumb or fingers in her mouth. She still is small, but she's long, and I recently had to bring in the 3-6 month girl clothes, but they're still super big on her. She's still in size 1 diapers, but they're too short and she leaks a lot, so I'm thinking about going up to size 2. We found some Earth's Best Tender Care diapers at our hometown Grocery outlet for 50% off the retail price, and we thought that was a crazy-good deal......but they aren't very good diapers at all! She leaks almost every single time she wets, not to mention poopy accidents too. I have to change her every two hours to keep her clothes dry! At the rate we're going through the packages of diapers, it has turned out to be not a good deal at all! It's a bummer, but I bought them and now I feel like I have to use them all up. She is a bright, smiley baby, and every time I look at her I fall in love with her!! She is doing better at being on the floor on a blankey, but she doesn't really like to be by herself. We don't mind, there is always someone here to hold her or talk to her!!

We've had only one car because Dave's car keeps not starting and so I've had to take him to work in our hometown, 40 minutes for a one-way trip, several days a week so I can have the van to do what I need to do. With Russell needing to be in town three days a week, it has been crazy! We are trying to get Dave's car running again, but it isn't working so far.....

My dad had a very surprising and shocking heart attack three weeks ago and subsequently found out that three of his four arteries were 90% blocked, and so he went to have triple bypass surgery. He's now home for at least 6 weeks and recovering from that. Mom's been a wreck, unfortunately.

So, that's basically what's going on around here. It was a very busy and very frustrating May.

I'll end this epistle now and do another update later, when all of our current pictures are safely downloaded to the computer!

TTFN!!

Argh!!!

2011-05-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

Argh!!!

You all had BETTER stick around my mom's blog till she gets back.....

OR ELSE!!!

(Hahahahahaha)

Hiatus

2011-05-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Okay.

I know I promised a "New and Improved" blog.....

But our internet out here on the Farm really stinks, and it's on a per use basis, and we're at about 93% usage until we renew our usage (confusing), even though we have the top package....

So I won't be posting for a while, until our usage is back up to 0% or so. I guess you could say I'm taking a forced hiatus from blogging!! Boooo Hoooo!!!!

I miss all of my bloggy friends sooooo much!!

Stay tuned, I'll be back! Soon!

Sunday Scripture

2011-05-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

"God is our refuge and strength,
   a very present help in trouble.
Therefore
   we will not fear
   even though the mountains
   be carried
   into the midst of the sea.
Though its waters
   roar and be troubled,
   though the mountains shake
   with its swelling.
Be still
   and know that I am God.
   I will be exalted
   among the nations;
   I will be exalted
   in the earth.
The Lord of hosts
   is with us.
   The God of Jacob
   is our refuge." Psalm 46: 1-3, 10-11

God's Goodness

2011-04-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

So, one would wonder how we have been able to remain sane through all of our struggles and trials. You may ask how we have managed to put one foot in front of the other in the face of our intense grief and our losses. You could be asking, why would we even want to go on??

Well, I can answer that question. This is the answer:

"I called Your name, O Lord, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice. You drew near on the day I called to You and said 'do not fear!'" Lamentations 3:55-57

That's only one of the many reasons we are able to live life again, to actually smile and laugh and go on.

You see, we believe in a God Who is sovereign, and Who is totally in control. We believe that the God Who breathed the world into existence carefully and conscientiously crafted our lives too, from the very first breath we took to all of the days written for us in His book. We have firm proof that He even knows the very number of hairs upon our heads, and that we, His handiwork, are far more valuable in His eyes than even the sparrows......

"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from the Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

We believe that He is in control of our lives, of our destinies, of what happens to us. You may ask why, if He is so loving and so good, why would He allow such things to happen to His beloved? I have an answer for that too......"I am the true vine and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit." Pruning is no fun! Pruning hurts very, very badly. But He does it for our good, so that we may live richer, fuller lives in Him.

We believe that when He asks great hardship of us, He carries us through. We believe that though the waters rise dangerously high, and the winds shriek deafeningly, He protects us. He says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name, You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you, for I am the Lord your God."

And elsewhere, even the apostle Paul, whom the Lord Jesus chose as one of His intimate followers, was afflicted! See here: "We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed. We are perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down, but not destroyed. We are always carrying about in the body the dying of our Lord Jesus Christ, that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh"

See, He makes promises to us. He has a covenant with us, and it's an everlasting covenant! He will never, never break His promises to us. Everything He does is right and good and true and fair, and it is not in Him to go back on His word or break His vows to us.

But you must know, it is not easy for us. We doubt! We fear! We question and rage and ask and even walk away from Him for a bit.....But He stands still. He is always willing to hear us. And He is willing to hear you, today, this minute.

If you are hurting and wondering and questioning in your heart as to why you are in the circumstance you are in, call out to Him, friend. He is there. He hears. He even understands deeply your struggle, for He Himself, the God of the universe, had to give up His one and only Son! So, let me just close this post by assuring you with some more verses that yes, indeed, He understands every one of your tears, and each wrenching pain you feel!

Turn to Him today!

"Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy, to deliver their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine." Psalm 33:18-19

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Psalm 91

It's Done

2011-04-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

Heh heh heh....ha ha ha......ahem.

Yes, I did exactly what I envisioned for my blog, by myself......

I'm a bit chagrined and embarrassed that I didn't poke around or try to find things out on my own before I sent out the SOS. But, I'm just not like that, especially when it comes to the computer. I look at the thing in question, and if it doesn't look obvious to me, then I ask for help. I know there's someone around here who will help me, or, in this case, out in Bloggy Land who could potentially help.

I feel much better now.

Help Needed

2011-04-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

Can anyone out there tell me how to do a header that has links you can click to find out more about me and my family? You know, like the cool blogs that have things like "About Me" "Our Story" "Our Family" and so on, and when you click on them you go to a page on the blog where you can read all of that. I don't know if I'm describing what I want very well......but my profile has gotten a bit too long for the sidebar, and I want to put it elsewhere. I really, really wish I had the money for a custom blog design, but alas, I have no money for that.

So, will some kind reader please walk me through the process to make my blog better??

Thanks in advance!

Checking In

2011-04-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

Hey there, peeps!

I must apologize for not keeping up my blog better. I had every intention of keeping you all informed and up-to-date when Pennie was born and as she grows......but I am so horrible at posting pictures, it's a wonder that any of ya'll even keep reading!

I wanted to tell you that I'm in the process of making my blog better, with more pictures and even recipes. And I do want to let you all see Pennie! Trust me, she is cuter than a speckled pup! We do have pictures, and I resolve to be better at posting them. I've recently read about watermarking pictures, and I may learn how to do that so that my pictures and my blog stay safe.

Speaking of Pennie, I had the opportunity to weigh her on a real live baby scale last Friday, and she weighed in at 10 lbs 12 oz! She had doubled her birth weight! I bet you she weighs even more now. She is so strong, holding up her head and pushing up on her legs. She is out of newborn diapers, which she wore for the first 7 weeks of her life. They still fit her, but they're a bit short. So, we graduated to size one! ((Tear)) She's now wearing 3-6 month clothes, but they are kinda big still. She's smiling and finding her voice. She's sleeping right next to me on the couch, all bundled up in her warm, cozy blankie. I just absolutely LOVE her, and I tell ya, I can't stand much more scrumptiousness around here!!

So, just be watching for the changes here. We have so many cute pictures and I want to share them with you. And recipes?? Ya'll, anyone who knows me knows I love to cook, and I have so so so many recipes that I've created, and I want to share them with all of you. I AM the Paula Deen of my town! HA!

Stay tuned!

Crucified

2011-04-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

"If you and I are truly following in the Master's footsteps, we too must be willing to risk apparent failure in the eyes of the world; and, harder still, must often be content to be misunderstood by our fellow-Christians. It is only when we have learned the faith and obedience which leave all consequences with God, that we can know the power and deep joy contained in these words, that once sounded so terrible.........

'I am crucified with Christ'"

E.A.G

Excerpted from Springs in the Valley by Mrs. Charles Cowman, April 3rd

3 Things

2011-04-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

I got this fun idea from my friend Kathryn's blog.....and I thought I'd do it to!! Here goes!

Three names I've been called:
Mama
Honey
Babes

3 jobs I've had:
cashier in a craft store
maid in a hotel (I cleaned the suites)
making tacos in a small town

3 places I've lived:
Huntington Beach
Castle Rock
Irvine

3 TV shows I like: (I don't have cable or satellite...)
Good Eats
Diners, Dives, Drive In's
Emeril

3 places I've been:
Mexico, twice
Texas
California

3 places I want to go:
California
France
Maine

3 foods I like:
Strawberries
Salads
avocados

3 things I'm looking forward to:
doing something fun with my family soon
making a CD with my husband
getting a full nights' sleep

3 pets I've had:
Ocho (a chihuahua)
Gracie, a blue heeler
Licorice, a black lab

3 entertainers I like:
Celine Dion
Harry Connick, Jr
Michael Buble

3 Christian artists I like:
Charlotte Ritchie
Allison Durham Speer
Marshall Hall

3 drinks I like:
Kona Mocha Big Train with Macadamia nut, blended
Blue Sky Cola
My mother in law's Christmas Tea

3 pet peeves:
the sound of chewing
anyone touching my feet
talking back

3 favorite movies:
Anne of Green Gables series
Little Women
The Sound of Music

3 favorite actors:
Christopher Plummer
Will Geer
The Moore brothers (wait, that's more than three......)

3 favorite actresses:
Kelly Martin
Tyne Daly
I don't have a third favorite!

3 book I like:
In The Company of Others
At Home in Mitford
Home to Holly Springs

3 role models:
my husband
my mother in law
my dad

3 accomplishments:
having 4 of my 8 children without pain meds of any kind
marrying my husband
going wheat/gluten/and mostly dairy free 4 1/2 years ago

3 goals in my future:
getting healthier
being a better wife
allowing the Lord to equip me to raise my girls up to be good wives/mothers (good luck, Lord!)

3 words that describe me:
outspoken
melancholy
intense

One Month

2011-03-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

Hi all!

We're just past the one month mark since Pennie came into our world. How are we all doing?

Well.

I'll tell you. All you moms out there know how the first couple of months are with a new baby! And yes, the first several weeks have been tough here too. Just because my baby is the most beautiful and sweet baby on earth doesn't mean it's been easy!! Ha.

How am I personally feeling?? I'm sleep deprived. You know, there's nothing quite like that feeling when you wake up at 3 AM, and your shirt's all crusty and your b**bs are 7X's their normal size, and you're soaked with leaking milk. Your hair is dripping grease and your eyes are crusted shut from not showering in a month......You're wearing the same outfit you wore when the baby was born, and you haven't had a square meal in four days. Yep. That about sums up how I'm feelin'! AND you gotta get up and be a mom to everyone and a good wife......I've made it through by God's grace.

Our Pennie is absolutely thriving, I mean, she's growing like a beanstalk and is having more awake time during the day now. We never get tired of seeing her vivid, denim blue eyes! And wow, her eyes are BIG! Her birth weight was around 5 lbs 13 oz, and now, at 5 weeks old, she weighs around 8 lbs 7 oz!!

Yep, she's definitely a good nurser, and she likes to nurse a lot! I have never, ever had so much milk! I joke that I have at least a gallon per side.

Alas, even though she's about the size that a newborn should be, the darling clothes we have all saved up from the other girls just don't fit her yet. She's still tiny, really compact.....But it seems our world has started to revolve around her!

Everyone else is really, really great. I have a whole family of helpers, and they are so willing to pitch in with her, as evidenced by the fact that Sis is holding Pennie while I do a quick post! They're all enchanted with her and it sure does seem like we just couldn't do without her.

I actually was fortunate enough to get a shower this afternoon!! AND I even fixed my hair! Wa-HOO! I feel semi-human again.

I do think there's a bit of postpartum blues going on, and my hormones are still freakin' out. I've got a case of the hives and I have NO idea where they came from. My digestion is not working! Yay. Hey, just keepin' it real here, just sharing and trying to be transparent cause I want ya'll to know that yep, you're not alone in these newborn days, if you're reading this and you've recently given birth.

I'm trying to remember that this too shall pass......and Pennie's really growing so fast and I'm already melancholy over it!

Pennie is a very vocal sleeper and nurser. She murmurs and sighs and sings and coos and smiles, both as she nurses and as she sleeps. I love it. She's such a sweet cuddly-poo too. Ah, she's just exactly what my heart needs right now.

Yes, I miss Olivia. Every day. My heart whispers for her. When I look into Pennie's eyes, I am comforted to know that those are Olivia's eyes looking at me too. Today, I'm doing well with my grief.

Yesterday we went to some dear friends' 50th anniversary celebration, and a gal I hadn't seen in a while asked me, as she was holding Pennie, if she was Olivia or Pennie. Ouch. I'm learning to talk about them both, to tell people my story.

I just want to do this with grace. I want to shine forth His faithfulness. Yes, He gives, and He takes away.......But my quiver is full and I know there is so much more. Pennie is the latest stitch in our canvas, and yes, there are rough seams, but I hope they add beautiful color to the overall work that He is painting for me!

The Reason

2011-03-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

Mixed

2011-03-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Mixed.

It's what I feel like, my thoughts, my heart right now.

Happy.
Content.
Painful.
Raw.
Surprised.
Longing.
Fulfilled.
Missing.
Pierced.
Wondering.
Knowing.
Joyful.
Breathing.
Breathless.

A curious jumble. Just to caution you, this is going to be a very forthright post. A direct, honest, straightforward writing. I need to post because I need to straighten these things out. This will be a raw post. You may be shocked.

"Give sorrow words; the grief that doesn't speak whispers o'er the fraught heart and bids it break" From Macbeth

Anyway........

For some reason, more than any other time in my life, twins haunt me. We prayed for twins for at least 5 years, and never thought about it. What I mean is, it seems that everywhere I go, everything I read, every post I see.....I see twins. Everywhere. It pierces the very depth of my heart with a hot, sharp, rapier-like sting. I've read countless blogs, through surfing from other people's blogs, where the mom has had or is having twins. I see twins at the grocery store in my hometown where I never even noticed them before. I see matching outfits at the thrift store. I remember the day I was told I was going to have twins.

It sucks.

I'm surprised by how painful it is, even with one of my twins in my arms. Even while nursing Pennie. Even while having the fulfillment of having one live, healthy, beautiful baby.

I'm taken aback at the depth of my most intimate thoughts. I look askance at myself when I feel the cheated emptiness of that place that Olivia left unfilled.

I'm ashamed of the anger I feel when I see those other families, happy and full with their twins. When I sit in a room full of people and hear the words of the man who paid someone else, a surrogate, $20,000 to be implanted with two embryos and now has twins, I feel that sick, scornful pain. When my specialist tells me that what happened to us happens in less than 5% of twin pregnancies, I feel the scoffing irony that we are now in that 5%. I try to quell it, to give it to the Lord. I'm hollowed out by the skeptical sarcasm of the voice in my head that tells me it's all so unfair.......and why me?? And it's MY voice!

Why did God gift us with our very fondest desire, our most fervent prayer of two lives, just to spirit one away on the very heels of my clamping down in possession of those lives?

Why?

Even as I glory in every nook and cranny of Pennie, even as I soak her up like a thirsty, dry sponge, my heart asks why. My heart is half, but strangely whole.

I can't make anyone understand it.

I scarcely understand it myself.

My arms are full, but oddly empty.

The cloud of joy that I live in is rimmed with sorrow.

My smile is tinged with........hardness, against my will.

So........

I continue to give all of these things to Him Who knows exactly why. I try to remember that He is neither shocked nor repelled by these tears and frays in the fabric of me. I remember that it takes emptying out to be really full. It takes feeling deep sadness and going through sorrow to know real joy. If there isn't any hardness in me, or sickness in me, I don't need a Doctor. And the half of my heart that is gone is being taken over by the other half that is still living, that is Pennie's. The arms that are aching to hold two halves of one whole shell are now learning to be filled with cradling, kissing, gazing at the face of Heaven in my Pennie.....

And remembering that I can hear the wind, hear the ocean, and feel the cleansing flow of healing in that half of the shell, and I feel whole again.

Our Pennie

2011-03-12T14:46:00.000-08:00